Gigi

Grandma ("Gigi" as my affectionately kids called her) always loved reading my blogs. Well grandma, this one is for you.




It is strange because one week ago I wrote a long post about how upset I was that we lost our kitty and today I am writing an even harder post about losing my grandma. In some ways, I feel bad because I wrote this long tribute to the cat and I was worried that this wouldn't be as long, but then I realized that last week's post was merely a summary of 8 years and there is no way I could ever summarize the more than 80 wonderful years that my grandma lived. So much of her time was before I got here, but suffice it to say that she was and always will be one of the people I loved most in this lifetime.

I have so many good memories of her from my childhood that I could fill hundreds of pages but for selfish reasons, I will keep most of those memories for my own. I will say that my overall favorite memories include making peanut butter cookies, feeding the ducks, and going to flea markets with her. More recently, it has been an absolute joy to watch her with my children. She loved the girls and made sure to tell me every time that we came over how great it was to see me and to see them. My favorite memory was this past summer, when we sat out on the porch and drank tea while she watched them play and read books to them. She came to Hannah's school nights, laughed at their costumes on Halloween, and even when she was sick at the end, she was still worried about what the kids would like for Christmas. That was the last time we saw her - Christmas. I felt bad because she wasn't feeling well, and we didn't want to tire her out, so we left early. I was going to call her this week to come over this week or next but I never got the chance. I guess in the end, we are all left wishing for one more day. I would have settled for an hour or a few minutes but I suppose that's just not how these things happen sometimes. The last thing I said to her was "I love you grandma" but I would have loved to tell her one last time just how much I loved her and admired her and how I always thought the world of her. I think she knew those things though, even if I didn't get to say it to her one last time. I am comforted that she got to see us one last time, even if we didn't get to see her. Just a few minutes before she left this world, grandma got to watch the video from Matthew's wedding and everyone said she was laughing and smiling. I think it was divine intervention that she got that last wish - no one, including the doctors, knew that she was that bad and my parents brought that video as an after-thought. It was something to do in the hospital while she waited for her procedure, which never happened, so she could go home.

I am heartbroken for grandpa. How hard must it be to love someone for 63 years and say goodbye? He is sad but keeps saying that he is happy for her because she didn't suffer a long drawn-out goodbye like so many cancer patients endure. That shows the type of man he is and I love, admire, and think the world of him too.

I know I should have known this was coming, but I still feel shocked and grief-stricken that she is gone. I am trying now to focus now on the life she lived. It was full of love and laughter and family and friends. Friends have often told me that they are jealous of the relationship I have with all of my grandparents because most of them lost most of their grandparents young or never knew them well. How many people can say they had all their grandparents still here when they were in their 30s? How many people can say that they loved all four of their grandparents so deeply and knew their grandparents felt the same way? I know I am lucky in so many ways, but it makes saying goodbye even harder. I wouldn't change a thing about it though.

I think I have blogged about this before, but when we moved back here, it was specifically because of my grandparents. They showed me what a grandparent is supposed to be to a grandchild. We had such a loving relationship with them growing up that I wanted that for my kids and our parents. All of them have influenced and touched me in a way that can't be matched. In the end, my grandma didn't let the cancer get the best of her and I believe that she left this world the way she lived it - with dignity and concern for others. She was trying to set up hospice care before leaving the hospital because she didn't want others to have to take care of her, although we all wanted to. I know God is taking care of her now.

I love you grandma and I miss you. You will always be in my heart and a part of me. You helped shape the person I am and this world, my world, is a better place because of you. I hope you are enjoying heaven, cancer-free and happy. Make sure you check in on the kids from time to time - they miss you too. All our love.